


The Choices We Make

by elisa_anya



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst, Blind Castiel, Blind Character, Blindness, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Military, Smut, Soldier Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 10:43:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14042514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisa_anya/pseuds/elisa_anya
Summary: A short one shot that tells the story of two men that were made for each other. Cas loses his eyesight when he's only 7 years old and thinks it's the end of the world, but Dean Winchester loves that boy more than he loves pie, and he will show his friend there's a lot to live for.Years later, before Dean leaves to serve his time in the army, Cas asks Dean to marry him.There's two possible endings, depending on the choice you make.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Proof read by Riverchester. Go read her stuff, it's pretty cool.  
> If you enjoy it, leave a comment or kudos (;  
> Warning: depends on what you choose, there might be a major character's death or not. Choose wisely.

When Castiel loses his eyesight at the young age of 7, he thinks it is the end of the world. When he wakes up to nothing but absolute darkness after the surgery that saves his life from an evil, greedy disease that nearly claims his life, he is inconsolable. He cries and cries in his mother’s arms, for hours on end, and wonders why he didn’t just die in surgery. It would have been better, _easier_ , than to go on with a life that had been nothing but unkind to him; his father had walked out on him and his mother years ago, he is shy, and quite an introvert so he doesn’t really have that many friends, and to make everything worse he is sure the doctors would confirm he is an Omega when he reached his teenage years. What else could he be? He is a weak, quiet, obedient and timid boy. He has no Alpha or even Beta traits whatsoever. And now, he is also blind. So what is the point? The universe is giving him a clear message: he just isn’t good enough, for anything.

But Dean Winchester loves this boy more than he loves pie (and that’s saying something!), and he would make it his life’s mission to prove Cas wrong.

He stands by the foot of his friend’s bed and watches him curl into a ball of misery under the covers. Castiel’s cheeks are flushed, he’s been crying again. It makes Dean’s inside twist; he hates the sight of that sweet boy rotting in silent agony.

“Get up, Cas!” he orders, yanking the covers away.

There is no pity in his voice, no lament, only complete resolution. He will be an Alpha, for sure.

He jump on the bed and pulls Castiel’s arm. “You can’t lay in bed forever and feel sorry for yourself! Now get up!”

Castiel stumbles out of bed, runs into some toys and nearly falls on his face, but Dean’s right next to him to help him stand up straight.

“Dean, I can’t see!” Castiel cries angrily, tears in his blue eyes acting like magnifying glasses. As if Dean doesn’t already know all the shades of blue in them. He’s counted them who knows how many times.

“I’ll be your eyes, Cas. We’ve always been a team, we can do this together too. Now come on, let’s learn the way to my house!”

And it’s true, they’ve always been together; their families were neighbours since even before they had been born, Castiel and Dean had been each other’s first friend and then best friends. They took their first steps together. They tried to wait up for Santa together every Christmas. They were there for each other when Mary died and when Castiel’s dad left. They had each other’s support on the first day of school. Dean is popular, full of charm, but even when he could have chosen anyone else to play with, he still always chooses the shy blue-eyed boy who rewarded him with the sweetest smiles. Dean isn’t going to let this stupid blindness thing keep them apart.

Dean takes Castiel’s hand in his and the two of them start counting out loud. It’s 5 steps from the bed to the door of the bedroom.

Cas lifts a hand up to touch the wall, looking for that sweet solid comfort that grounds him to reality, but Dean snatches the hand away.

“Trust me, Cas. I won’t let you fall, I promise. Can’t drag yourself against walls your entire life. There aren’t any outside.”

Castiel is nervous, but he nods, gripping Dean’s hand for dear life.

They turn right and it’s 6 steps to the stairs. 15 steps down the stairs and 3 short ones to the front door which is right in front of the stairs. Dean lets his friend feel the door until he finds the doorknob and pulls the door open. They take 6 steps from the door, crossing the house’s short front yard, until they reach the sidewalk. They turn left, take 12 more steps. Left once more, 8 steps across Dean’s front yard, and then Cas is reaching blindly for Dean’s door. There’s a faint smile on his lips, the first one since he woke up from the surgery.

“See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Dean teases him, shoving him gently. “You’ve just got to memorize some places, Cas, but you’ve always been the smart one.”

Castiel blushes, smiling in the direction of his friend’s voice. “It feels like your house’s further away, now that I can’t see where I am going,” he confesses in a hushed voice.

“It’s not. It’s right where it was before. You’ll get used to it, I promise. Come on, let’s do it again.”

They spend the entire afternoon coming and going from one house to the other, hand in hand, until Cas memorises the way. Eventually, Dean lets go of his hand and walks right beside him, but just to check if his friend really knows the way, then he takes his hand again, for no reason at all, as they sit in Dean’s front yard.

“Lucky we’re neighbours, huh?” Dean comments. A thumb traces circles over Castiel’s hand. He could swear he can _hear_ Dean smile.

Cas nods in agreement; that’s about the only thing he’s ever felt lucky about, to have Dean as his neighbour and his friend.

Life changes a lot and yet, much to Castiel’s surprise, it is still quite the same. He doesn’t go to school anymore, instead he’s got tutors coming in to teach him at home, but Dean barely spends two seconds at his own house to ditch his backpack after school before he is heading to Castiel’s. He doesn’t even knock, hasn’t for years, and Cas knows it’s him just by the way he closes the door if not by the familiar scent of Dean that travels through the house; his sense of smell has enhanced a lot since he's lost his eyesight. With a smile on his face, he goes to meet him. Walking around a little too eagerly, still adjusting to memorising the surroundings in his own home, he runs into a lot of furniture. The first few couple of months, Castiel has a lot of bruises, but nothing stops him from welcoming Dean with a joy in his heart; whenever they’re together, it’s the best part of the day.

The pair still does everything together. When the last book of their favorite saga comes out, Castiel’s mom buys them a copy since Dean’s dad can't afford it. Castiel is still new to braille and he’s rather slow, so Dean makes it his job to read for the two of them. After school they sit together for hour after hour, one reading until his mouth is dry with thirst while the other one listens, the two of them side by side closely on Dean’s bed. Dean isn’t very fast, and he makes a lot of mistakes. He doesn’t pause in the comas and ends up out of breath a lot. He gets pronunciations wrong. He has to stop and ask Castiel what certain words mean. He blushes, feeling stupid, dumb, but his friend puts a hand on his shoulder, looking into nothingness as always, and implores him to go on. There’s no look of smugness on Cas’ face, no sign that he thinks less of Dean for getting a few words wrong. No, he just bites his lip in anticipation because the story is so good, he’s got no time to judge the friend that’s only doing him a kind favor. It makes Dean feel better, encourages him to go on. After a couple of years of reading books together like this, Dean becomes a great storyteller and also a very agile reader.

They also still practise baseball on Dean’s backyard. For obvious reasons, Castiel doesn’t bat anymore but he does throw.

“Dean, I can’t _see_ you,” Castiel tells him, like Dean doesn’t know already, as he stands with the grass under his toes, ball in hand. “How am I supposed to know where to throw the ball?”

“Just throw it straight ahead, Cas,” Dean shrugs. “Try to get a sense of the distance by the sound of my voice.”

Dean begins to sing very loudly. The neighbour that lives right behind them throws him dirty looks through the fence that separates their gardens but Dean’s only got eyes for Cas, and he waits patiently for his friend to throw the ball. It takes a couple of times for Cas to throw the ball in the right direction, and then to get the height right, but after days of practise, he kind of starts throwing half-decent throws and Dean gets to bat from time to time.

The two of them convince Castiel’s mum to let him go back to school when they're 10. She is unsure, but her son begs and begs and Dean vows to look after him, to help him and to also protect him. It’s becoming more and more obvious as the years go by that Cas is an Omega, much as that frightens his mother, but Dean will clearly be an Alpha, and there’s just no one better to look after the boy than him, so after a while she agrees. She loves Dean like he's her own son.

Cas can’t see the looks people give them as they walk hand in hand into the school, and frankly, Dean doesn’t care. Maybe Castiel purposely takes a little longer learning the amount of steps to class and then to the bathroom, so he can hold Dean’s hand for a little longer, maybe, just maybe… Dean doesn’t mind, doesn’t hurry him at all; his heart bursts with happiness because he is once again going to school with his best friend and now they’ve actually got an excuse to sit together and chat, because Dean is supposed to help his friend with anything he can’t see, can’t copy from the blackboard himself. It forces Dean to pay attention and eventually his grades start to go up, while it gives Castiel the feeling that some part of his life is back to normal. He’s a little more independent, a little more like he used to be, less stuck at home under the ever careful watch of his loving but slightly overprotective mother, and it's all thanks to Dean.

It’s like Cas had almost forgotten that there were other people their age in the world. He hears people calling Dean to play with them during break but Dean sits patiently with Cas in the benches, sharing a snack.

“Dean, you can go play with your friends,” Cas tells him. He feels stupid for assuming Dean doesn't have other friends. He isn't blind, stuck at home, or introverted. He's the exact opposite of Castiel.

“I’m fine here with you,” Dean replies.

“We're together all day. Go play dodgeball with the rest, I know you like it.”

Dean hesitates. “Are you sure you don’t mind sitting here all alone?”

“We're surrounded by people.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don't want you to lose your independence so I can gain mine. Go play, Dean. I’ll be fine.”

So Dean goes and plays until the bell rings again, announcing the end of the break, and he goes back to his friend’s side, guides him back in while they hold hands even though Cas has already memorised the way back into their classroom. Dean tells him all about the game, how he got hit in the face but kept playing and he managed to hit some older kids with the ball. By now, Castiel has learned to hear the smiles in his friend’s face. He isn't jealous, not really; he'd always sucked at that game anyway, he doesn't miss it, and Dean sounds so excited, so full of joy, that there just isn't any place left for bitter feelings inside Castiel’s heart. Anything that makes Dean smile will make him smile too.

Castiel’s mom is rather upset when almost no one shows up to her son’s birthday party that year. She’d thought more would turn up, now that the boy was back in school. She thinks kids are cruel, they're missing out on befriending the beautiful person her son is. She wonders if perhaps he gets bullied at school. Should she pull him out? Was it a mistake to send him back in the first place? But then she sees the kids playing in the beautifully decorated garden; Sam and Dean have come, of course, and two other boys named Balthazar and Gabriel. They're playing Marco Polo and her son is smiling, running around with the rest. She thinks of Dean and Sam; they never have birthday parties in the first place, their father doesn't bother organizing them. There's a lot of things John doesn't do for his children. She buys them cakes, gives them both presents, but feels throwing them a party would be overstepping too much… Those boy lack too much affection and yet they give so much of it to others, including her family.

Cas trips and falls in his face while running from one of the kids. His mother’s breath hitches and she almost runs out of the kitchen into the garden, but then Dean is there, helping him up before Gabriel, who is now Marco, catches him, and Castiel is still laughing, like nothing happened.

 _Dean is always there_ , she thinks, a wave of love for that boy making her heart swell. _Got a feeling he’ll always be there..._

A couple of years later, Dean experiences his first rut. He had kind of seen it coming, if he was honest with himself, but it didn't make the change any easier. He had been growing a lot, he was taller and bigger, stronger. His temper sometimes was becoming harder to control, when he felt he needed to protect his loved ones, and he found himself feeling curious about physical desires. But nothing prepared him for the last powerful hit of hormones. It was a long night of sweating and feeling rather out of control. All his feelings and sensations felt intensified, overwhelming. For once John was there for his son, trying to comfort him, to guide him through the experience.

After Dean’s change, Castiel’s came almost immediately, the strong scent of his beloved Alpha setting him off. Dean wasn't allowed to see Cas during his days of heat and it was the longest the two of them had ever gone without each other.

Things really started to change after that. Alphas are rare and Dean is one of the only three Alphas in his class. There seems to be an ongoing competition between Betas and Omegas to get their attention. The two other Alphas enjoy the attention but Dean doesn't. It's never been spoken, never has he said it out loud, but he is thoroughly and without a doubt Castiel’s, and has no interest in anyone else. Most people have never been particularly friendly to Cas, but now he is unknowingly winning the secret competition for Dean’s affection, so those who used to ignore him now become meaner. When Dean’s not around, they push him in the hallways, whisper cruel words in his direction.

“It’s just the hormones, Cas, everyone’s a little crazy in their heads,” Gabriel, who has turned out to be a Beta, comforts him during lunch. It’s partly true, people’s personalities seemed to have enhanced after they all discovered what they really were.

“Will you just tell me who they are so I can kick their asses?” Dean sighs irritably. It makes his blood boil to think that people get all cocky with his friend when he’s not around. Those bloody cowards. “I know you can tell, by their scents and their voices.”

“Yeah, Cas, what’s the point of having an Alpha boyfriend if you don’t send him to kick your bullies’ asses?” Balthazar agrees between bites.

Dean nearly chokes on his food and Castiel becomes terribly flushed.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Cas mumbles.

“Whatever you say.”

Balthazar and Gabriel share a look, smirking in Dean’s direction. He ignores them, but makes no comment at all.

Castiel takes it silently, all the abuse and the poisonous words people throw his way, thinking it’s his place as an Omega, it’s normal to compete for Alphas, it’s in their instincts. But finally, when he gets beaten on his way to meeting Dean after Cas’ debate group, he’s had enough. It’s almost the only time during the week they’re apart at school. Dean wishes he could join in, but he knows he isn’t as articulate or clever as the rest in the group are, so he rather unwillingly lets go of Castiel’s hand for a while and goes to do his own activities, which mostly consist in physical training with other Alphas and some Betas. When Dean finds Castiel waiting outside the gym with a bloody nose and a broken lip, the blood drains from his face.

“Cas! Are you alright?” he kneels in front of his friend on the floor, and cups his beaten-up face in his hands. “I’m so sorry I’m late, I should have-”

“Dean, I’m fine,” Cas cuts him off. There are tears in his eyes and he’s breathing heavily.

“No, you’re not. You’re hurt. You’re crying.”

“I’m crying because I’m _angry_!”

“Damn right you should be angry!” Dean fumes, and his inner Alpha almost explodes from within him right then, announcing itself. A raw growl erupts from the back of his throat. “To beat a blind boy like that! What kind of coward does that? They’ll see, I am going to beat the shit out of them, one by one!”

“I’m not angry at _them_ , Dean!” Cas retorts, getting to his feet. He spits blood and wipes his bloody nose with the back of his hand. “I’m angry at myself! I don’t want to be like this, a helpless little _blind_ Omega. I cannot stand people bullying me endlessly until who knows when I get my own Alpha!”

“Okay- Okay, then _I_ will be your Alpha, Cas.”

They stand in silence for a moment. Castiel seems taken aback and Dean is glad he can’t see him blushing right there and then, the implication of what he’s just said lingering thick in the air between them.

But Cas had to know, surely, didn’t he? He had to know that, whatever each of them had ever turned out to be, Alpha, Omega, Beta, it didn’t matter, Dean would always be his. He would bite on his neck right now and call him his mate if they weren’t so young, their parents would freak out.

“I’ll always protect you, Cas,” he continues through the lump of nerves in his throat. He’s never sounded this nervous before and it’s music in Castiel’s ears, it’s sweet. “Good Alphas protect their Omegas.”

“Dean…” Castiel’s tone changes into something softer. There’s a shy smile on his lips, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, his blue beautiful eyes. He finds Dean’s hand so fast you’d think he wasn’t blind. “Dean, it’s not about that. I know you’ve got my back. But I don’t want to be weak. You- you gave me independance, I don’t want to lose it. You taught me the way to your house, and then to the bakery, and then to the movies, and to the supermarket, and school… You always help me. So, please, help me with this.”

Dean sighs. “But what else can I do but offer my protection, Cas?”

“Train me. Get me in shape. Teach me how to wrestle.”

“To _wrestle_ ? Cas, you can’t see! How are you going to _wrestle_?”

“That didn’t stop you from making me throw balls at you for _hours_ when we were kids, Dean,” Cas elbows his ribs playfully.

Dean chuckles.

“We can’t be together every second of every day. I love you but I don’t want to depend on you. Will you help me, please?”

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

Dean is stunned, staring at his friend with his mouth hanging opened, eyes wide opened. He is so shocked he can’t process the happiness that explodes in his heart and soul.

“Dean?”

Castiel squeezes his hand. Dean looks down to see blood.

“Y-yeah. Come on, Cas, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Omegas aren’t allowed to train, at least not at school, so Dean makes it his job to get his friend in shape. They start going out for runs twice a week, which Dean hates, but he endures it for Cas, who runs next to him with his hand on Dean’s shoulder. They do all kinds of exercises at home, from a lot of different types of abs workouts to pushups and some kickboxing exercises using pillows. Dean teaches him some wrestling techniques, and how to get out of someone’s hold and use it against them. His blind friend is sloppy, but fast and determined. Cas also starts eating more chicken and broccoli to put up some weight. He stands up straight, as tall as possible, and he looks as confident as he can, fighting his supposedly weaker Omega nature. He pushes people back when they bump him in the hallways, he growls like Dean taught him to, bearing his teeth, and he stands his ground like he never has before. He gets his ass kicked again, but this time he fights back as much as he can, and with time the amount of people who dare to mess with him starts to decline. He becomes more sassy, using his words to put people in their place, taking no shit from anybody. It makes Dean one hell of a proud Alpha. He also watches his friend’s body change slowly but steadily, and realises that little by little they’re both leaving their teenage years and are now becoming young men. Castiel’s aging like a fine wine, getting more beautiful (and sexy) every day.

But as time goes by, there are more things to worry about too. Their destinies feel a little less their own and a little more fixed by their natures. Dean starts to get really nervous about his future. All Alphas are required to join the military service, to serve for at least a couple of years, right after finishing school or their college education. The ever growing boy starts counting down the years, the months, until his inescapable departure.

“We can postpone it, Dean,” Cas tries to comfort him. “We can still go to college together.”

“ _Together_?” Dean scoffed. “Cas, your grades are twice as good as mine. And I’m not going to let you lower your possibilities to match mine.”

“Why not?” the other argues. “We're a team and-”

“Remember what you told me, when we were 10? That you didn't want me to sacrifice my independe for yours? Well, right back at you, Cas…”

Castiel sighs. They're silent for a moment before Cas stands up and starts pulling their books out from their backpacks. He shoves them in Dean’s direction, missing his face by an inch.

“What are you doing?” Dean asks. It’s Saturday evening, and that means watching the reruns of their favorite show on TV. It’s about to start in 20 minutes.

“If you don't want me to lower my expectations in college choices, then you'd better aim higher because we're going to the same one, if it’s the last thing I do,” Cas states with determination. “We still have time to improve your grades. Now get started on biology, that's your weakest point.”

“You can’t be serious. It’s Saturday!”

“Do I look like I’m kidding?”

Cas is frowning, trying to look in Dean’s direction. He looks serious and mad, and for some reason, Dean’s smiling, biting his lip to hold back laughter.

“Alright, alright,” he lifts his hands up in defeat and crosses his legs on Castiel’s bed. “You’re crazy but alright.”

Dean’s looking at the remote control, wondering if he could just mute the TV very quickly-

“Read out loud, Dean” Castiel commands him.

Dean sighs. “Okay…”

Cas works Dean hard. They quiz each other constantly during their runs. They study together on the weekends until Dean ends up falling asleep on Castiel’s bed and they pull in crazy hours at the library. Dean’s head feels like it’s going to explode with too much (and rather useless) knowledge. Cas makes him apply for all the same universities he applied to and to ask for scholarships granted by the military to Alphas that will serve after college. Finally, all the effort pays off. When he receives two envelopes from the same fancy colleges that have already accepted Cas, saying that he’s on the waiting list, he nearly loses it. He nearly cries, overwhelmed with emotion after all the hard work that he’s done. It’s not a certain yes, but it’s more than he would have ever imagined he’d get. He can at least let himself dream a little bit more hope about having a couple of more years at his best friend’s side before he’s off to join the army. Not long after, he gets the final yes he’s been looking for.

He doesn’t tell his best friend right away, though, he wants it to be a surprise.

“Hey, Cas… Hmm… Wanna dance?”

They’re at their prom. Cas looks dreamy in his perfect tux and Dean’s kind of glad he can’t see the old one he’s wearing himself. He rented it at a nearby store, the best one he could afford, and still not half as good as Castiel’s. Still, not even all the money in the world and his mother’s effort can make Castiel Novak’s hair behave.

He’s rewarded with a shy smile, his favorite smile ever. “Sure.”

Dean takes his hand and leads him to the dance floor. People stare, but Dean’s used to it by now; they’ve been staring their entire lives. Some things never change.

Castiel’s hands go up to Dean’s shoulders, while his to go Cas’ hips. It’s a little awkward, they’ve never danced before and neither is very good, but the young Winchester boy is happy to have him this close. His familiar Omega’s scent gives his soul peace.

“Cas,” Dean starts after a while, “I’ve good news.”

“Did Sam finally ask Jess out?”

Dean laughs. “No, not yet. He’s taking forever… No, I, hmm… I got a letter a couple of days ago. Cas, I made it in. I made it into the University of Kansas.”

Castiel gasps and throws his arms around Dean’s neck, gripping him tightly. “Oh, my God, Dean! Congratulations!” Cas pulls away, but not completely. Their faces are inches away from each other. He probably doesn’t realise just how close they are, but Dean feels his breath in his face and seems hypnotized by his friend’s lips. He’s been staring at those lips for years. “I’m so proud of you! We’re going to college together!”

“Yes, Cas, we are.”

All he’s thinking about as he leans in is how beautiful and happy Castiel looks, and that he wants to remember the expression on his face forever. When he presses their lips together, Cas’ breath hitches in surprise for just a second before he gently kisses Dean back. Their first kiss is slow and soft. Even though it's long overdue, there's no hurry; they're always going to be together anyway, they have plenty of time for kissing… But just in case, Dean takes Castiel back to his room that night and they make out until their lips are sore. It takes the young Alpha a huge amount of restraint to keep things from escalating, but he doesn't want to take the second step just yet.

The following morning, when Sam asks him what he’s so happy about during breakfast and Dean confesses to have kissed Cas for the first time, his younger brother looks utterly confused.

“What do you mean ‘the first time’? Haven't you been together for years?”

Dean blushes ten shades of red. “No, we haven't! What makes you think that?”

Sam shrugs. “I don't know, you spent an awful lot of time locked up together in your rooms,” his brother teases him. “I guess everyone just assumed-”

“ _Everyone_?”

Sam laughs. “Well, look at the brightside! You don't have to tell people you're together, we all already know!”

When Dean tells Cas about this, his friend says his mother had the exact same reaction.

“Now it makes sense why she texted you when dinner was ready instead of knocking on the door,” he thinks out loud. Dean just wants to crawl into a ball of embarrassment and die.

They're told they can't share a room in the students residence because Alphas and Omegas aren't allowed to share rooms. The best the school can do, taking into consideration Castiel’s ‘condition', is set them up in adjacent rooms. Dean and Cas’ mom aren't very convinced, they worry about him too much, but there's nothing else they can do about it, at least until the boys start working and move out of the residence.

It turns out Castiel’s got nothing to worry about and it's Dean instead who gets stuck with a crappy roommate. Cas shares the room with a lovely Omega with red hair and a ton of geeky posters.

“I don't think _you'll_ mind these,” she tells Cas as she starts to pin them up against the wall. He likes it, the way she doesn't take his blindness so seriously, like he's a crippled to be sorry for.

Dean instead shares his room with a very annoying Alpha with british accent who insists they call him Crowley. His quick remarks are never ending just as his amount of sass, even though he's way shorter than Dean, and he looks at Cas with an interest that pokes at Dean’s defensive Alpha instincts every goddamn time the three of them are in the same room. He tries to avoid him as much as possible and sleeps in his boyfriend's room whenever Charlie doesn't spend the night there too. Unfortunately he knows where and when all the good parties take place and Cas insists that they go.

“We can’t go to college and not go to parties, Dean,” he argues as he drags Dean along with them.

“Parties I am up for, but not with _him_ ,” Dean shoots back under his breath.

“Oh, come on, Dean, I know you want to hide that pretty Omega of yours from everyone else, but let the kid have some fun,” Crowley retorts, winking at him just to piss him off even more.

It’s true, Castiel has grew up quite the pretty boy, but also because of years of working out with Dean, he’s lean and in shape, with strong biceps and legs. People are free to stare at him because he literally cannot _see_ them, and somehow that seems to be all the more attractive for Alphas. He’s the perfect Omega, well spoken, beautiful and respectful, not to mention he has a terrific scent, with a nice touch of Alpha training. Dean has always known it, but now that everyone else does too, he can’t help but be a little jealous, a little uneasy to let him wander around alone again. They spend a lot of time apart too since their departments are in different buildings, which just adds to Dean’s nerves because he knows the Beta Hannah who had offered to walk Cas to his classes until he learned the way was crushing on him too.

“Dean, everyone’s got a crush on me, according to you,” Castiel laughs as they discuss the subject again one Saturday night.

“Well, they do!”

“Yeah, they kinda do, Cas,” Charlie agrees.

“Thank you!” Dean smacks his hand against the desk, making Cas startle.

“You know, if you just marked my neck, they’d have to forget about it,” Cas adds, trying to sound all innocent. Nobody messes with a mated Omega, it is a natural law that everyone for once respects.

Dean blushes, looking down to avoid Charlie’s eyes. She is about to giggle like an idiot. “Cas, I’m not going to bite your neck, it’s too soon. Our parents would freak out.”

“I don’t think they’d be surprised, though.”

“One day, I promise…”

It’s terribly hard not to bite Castiel’s very much inviting neck when they have sex (never during Cas’ heat of course). He extends his neck and Dean can barely hold himself back, but he manages to, reminding himself that there will be a right time and place to do it, to mate for once and for all with the man of his dreams, to have their pups and build a home together. But he doesn’t want it like this, out of impulse, while they still haven’t even finished college. It’s not necessary to wait until they’re married, but Dean is secretly cheesy like that. He’s always wanted the perfect family he never had and he wants to offer Castiel the best life possible as well.

College is hard, but he manages to keep his grades at least decent. He’d always known studying mechanics at an academic level would be hard, but the army had offered a full scholarship in that area and so Dean took a shot and picked that career. Now he was dealing with the consequences of actually getting lucky and being accepted into the school. Cas, on the other hand, excels at every class, just like he’s always done, not without effort but definitely with way less stress compared to his partner. Surprisingly, it’s him who suggests to go out to a party or for a drink to relax when he realises that Dean either takes a break or he might jump off a window soon. That or getting down on Dean; those two choices never fail to help him relax.

Despite the never ending pile of assignments, the midterms that haunt his dreams and the books from the library that are piling up in his room, he dreads the moment he’ll graduate. Everyday, he takes a step closer towards the army. That same, sometimes crippling fear he had felt during high school comes back to hang over him like an invisible rainy cloud. Dean finds himself looking at Cas when he can’t sleep, wondering how he will manage to go for so long without looking at that pretty face. He’s seen that now good looking young man almost literally every day of his life since he was born. He doesn’t _know_ how to be without him. Cas isn’t just his best friend, his boyfriend; he’s a _part_ of Dean, a part of his day, of his life. He cannot imagine going days, let alone months and _years_ , without hearing his voice, holding his hand, breathing in his scent.

The last couple of months of college are complete torture. They’re not even that busy. Their courses don’t have finals, just long final projects that Castiel makes sure they finish with plenty of time so they’re not doing work until the last minute. Dean’s grown quieter, he can tell he’s extra stressed just by the sound of his breathing. The scent of fear on him is also strong sometimes, when Dean lets his guard down at night. It breaks Castiel’s heart but he tries to stay strong for the sake of his Alpha. Dean is just glad, for once in his life, that Castiel is blind so he can’t see the complete look of dread in his face during their graduation. Not a single smile reaches Dean’s lips.

He’s got two months to return home before he’s supposed to join the army to serve away for 5 years. He tries to enjoy the time with his brother, with Castiel and his mom, but he can never experience joy when he feels he’s about to go off to his death.

 _Maybe I am_ , he fears.

Dean and Cas are laying on the bed that night, a little sweaty from sex and recovering their breaths. They do it everyday, at least once. They were usually very sexually active, but not like this. Dean can’t help but lose it when he kisses Castiel too deeply. There’s always an urgency in his touches, like it might be the last time he’ll be able to do it. As the days pass, it gets worse and worse.

Suddenly, Cas sits up.

“Dean… There was something I wanted to ask you,” Cas says, his voice barely a whisper.

The old bed creaks under their weight when Dean sits up too. It’s not made for two young men to sleep in.

“What is it, Cas?”

Cas hesitates for just a moment, then fishes for his slacks. He takes something from the pocket and tightly holds it in his hand.

“You’re leaving in less than a month,” he starts, his voice carrying a lot of sadness that he had managed to bottle up for along time, “and I- my heat is before that, and I thought- Dean,” he opens his hand to reveal two plain silver wedding bands, “I want you to marry me before you go.”

 

 **DOES DEAN SAY YES OR NO?**  
**NO: JUMP TO CHAPTER 2-A (the immediate following one)**  
**YES: JUMP TO CHAPTER 2-B**


	2. Chapter 2-A

There’s a very real, very uncomfortable lump in his throat and tears (of joy, of sadness, who knows?) in his eyes. Dean looks down at the rings. They’re simple like their story is, they fit them. There’s no grand gesture, no embarrassing public display of affection, it’s just the two of them, sitting together in what is most likely Dean’s favorite place in the world. Of all the ways a proposal could have gone down, this is probably the perfect way. 

And yet he can’t bring himself to be entirely happy about it.

“Cas…” He takes Castiel’s hands between his and slowly closes it back into a fist. “No.”

Cas is silent for a long moment, frowning in confusion. He hadn’t expected a no.

“No?” he repeats, his voice cracking.

“No."

“But- but we’ve waited, like you wanted to,” Cas protests, getting up from the bed. “I’ve wanted you all my life and I’ve  _ waited _ all my life, because  _ you _ wanted to! I know I want you, I am  _ sure _ -”

“And you think that I’m not?” Dean huffs a laugh but there’s nothing funny about the look in his face. He looks beaten, completely done, as he stands too to chase after Castiel. He grabs his arm and turns him around.

Cas yanks his arm away. “Then say yes, Dean! I want to mate with you! Jesus, sometimes it’s physically excruciating to be so close to you, to let you fuck me, and not be mated! I  _ need _ to mate with you! I want you to bite my fucking neck once and for all. I love you!”

He’s so angry he tries to pull away when Dean hugs him, but he’s his Alpha and he's stronger, and so Castiel is trapped in his arms, trying to squirm away until he feels Dean’s tears on his naked skin. Then, he can’t help but stop and hold Dean back.

“I want to. Hell, I want to so  _ bad _ ,” Dean’s broken voice confesses. “I love you too, Cas, but I can’t do that to you. If I don’t come back-”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ say that to me!”

“You know there’s always a chance I might not come back.”

“No! You  _ will _ ! You have to!”

“Then keep those rings, Cas, and ask me again when I come back. I promise I'll say yes then.”

Cas shakes his head, clenches his fists and jaw so tightly it hurts as he shakes with tears of his own. Dean cries without trying to hide it and it occurs to his mate that this is the first time Dean has allowed anyone to see him cry since his mother died. Castiel leads him back to bed and holds him as close as possible, almost as if they were trying to melt into one, until Dean falls asleep out of sheer exhaustion.

He doesn’t cry again, but Cas does the day Dean leaves. He sheds silent tears as his mother, Sam, Jess, Bobby and John say their goodbyes to him. They’re at the bus station and Dean’s bus is leaving in minutes. A hand is suddenly in his cheek, wiping away his tear with a thumb.

“I’ll come back, Cas,” he vows. 

“You’d better,” he responds, fisting the front of Dean’s shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. Their  _ last _ kiss, who knows for how long.

“And  _ you’d _ better not fall in love with a fellow teacher or something while I’m away,” Dean jokes, but internally there’s the tiniest drop of fear that Cas might, in fact, meet someone else while he’s away for so long. He wouldn’t even blame Castiel for it, five years is a long time, and this Omega is a great catch; a just graduated professor with the looks of an Alpha and a lovely personality. 

“I would never,” Cas replies entirely serious, unable to joke or smile at all.

“Dean,” Sam calls him softly, patting his shoulder, “the bus driver is waving at you.”

Dean’s lips are on Castiel’s again while he grabs the Omega’s hand and pulls it away from his shirt. 

“I love you, Cas,” he whispers.

He turns and walks away, forcefully pulling his hand away when Castiel just won’t let it go. He doesn’t turn around to see him standing there, hand still extended in his direction, he can’t, it would break his heart.

People always say ‘it’ gets better with time. Dean just wants to punch those people in their stupid faces, nothing about his situation gets better with time, only worse. Then he pities them a little, thinking maybe they’ve never been in love like this. Every day, every  _ minute _ that he is away from Castiel, it’s agony, but he wouldn’t have it any other way; if he has to choose between missing Cas so much it hurt or never having met him at all, he would choose Cas every goddamn time, no doubt at all. The first year should be the easiest, because they’re training in their homeland, and then they’ll train for another year in the middle of who knows where, Dean’s never been good at geography. Finally, after 3 years of being a proper soldier out there in combat, probably killing people and watching his Alpha comrades get killed too, he’ll be free to quit the army if he wishes. Even though he’s not in any real danger now, even though this should be the easiest part of their training, Dean has to fight everyday to avoid coming undone psychologically. He tries to convince himself that this could be good for him, that he needs to learn who he is outside of Castiel and the shelter of his family and friends, he needs to be more independent, but even though he rather surprisingly quickly forms a bond with some other soldiers, he can’t deny a part of his heart that breaks everyday when he wakes up knowing he’s not going to see Cas, or his brother, or Bobby, or anyone he loves, or hear their voices, their laughter, nothing. He misses them so much it physically pains him, his chest feels tight sometimes. He uses that pain to go on, he runs faster to channel his rage, he punches harder to let the grief out somehow, and he works as hard as possible to be as tired as he can be, so that at night he won’t lay watching the ceiling for hours, thinking of blue eyes, soft kisses, rough sex.

Letters from his family keep him sane. When his life is reduced to endless violence and merely surviving while also trying to keep those around him alive, the only reminder that this is not all there is to life, that there is still such a thing as family dinners and lazy Sundays consumed by netflix, comes in rectangular shapes of paper with stories from his loved ones. Sam gets accepted into the best colleges (not that it surprises Dean, his Beta brother is perhaps even smarter than Castiel himself), plans on getting a job and moving with Jess. That girl is in for the long run, Dean’s sure. Bobby’s letters are short and they don’t communicate much, they’re weird rundowns of how the salvage yard is doing, but the soldier knows that just sending the letter means a lot from Bobby. Castiel’s mom sends him loving letters that always make Dean almost cry, they are full of words of support and encouragement, and she promises time and time again to take care of Cas while he’s gone. She’s Dean’s mother too, and no one can tell them otherwise. But if he’s honest with himself, Castiel’s letters are what he lives for. His handwriting is not very good; his mother had made him keep writing after he lost his eyesight and though he had never really bothered practising much, it is still legible. Dean is now really thankful for that because the letters carry the scent of him and he breathes it in like a junky. Cas spares no details. He goes on and on about his new job as a teacher. He teaches 8 years old and is thinking of going back to school to get his Masters Degree in Education. He tells Dean about his favorite students, about the other teachers and the staff, how some are nice, others not so much, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. He admits to Dean that two Alphas have ask him out on dates, so he started wearing his ring in his left hand. It’s not as effective as a mating mark in his neck would be, but he makes sure people notice the ring anyway when he gets a feeling they might be interested in him. Dean should tell him he doesn't need to do that, that he is allowed to move on if he wishes, and though he means to say it he never does; the thought of Cas wearing that ring, showing it off to people as a proof of their promise to wait for each other, makes him immensely happy. Cas sends him copies of the books they read as children, and even though his friends make fun of him for reading children’s book, it gives Dean joy, it reminds him of better days, simpler days. He tries to reply with letters as long as his but there really isn’t that many news to tell; training is constant, that’s it. He does his best, though, because a secret but strong part in him fears that if he doesn’t give back as much, Castiel will forget him. That utterly terrifies him…

But Castiel’s love never seems to waver. If he had found someone else, he would have stopped writing to him by now, that’s what Dean thinks. He seen it happen to some of his comrades; some Omegas fall short on their promises. Not Cas, though. He writes as much as possible, and while Dean is serving his time abroad, the only thing that gives him proper joy is the arrival of mail. Cas loves him, through the distance and through the years, just as much as he had promised he would, and it gives Dean hope that while some things change, while he has to witness horrors and injustice and be a pawn for them, some other things will always remain the same, like their love for each other. If that can survive, maybe Dean can too, maybe there will be a way out of the endless sorrow he feels. 

As danger becomes more imminent when he finishes his training and is out in the field in unsafe zones, he doesn't tell Cas about it in his letters. No need to worry him, Dean worries plenty for the two of them. A young, strong Alpha, he had never thought of dying, not  _ really _ , not until then. He’d been serving for a year and a half out in the field when he gets close,  _ really _ close to dying, His platoon isn't really on guard when they are ambushed. Dean is in a far corner, relaxing against a wall under the cool shade with his best friend Benny. A group of soldiers are sharing pictures of their pups, the ones they had before the army, and Dean tries hard not to think that that could be him, had he said yes to Castiel. He doesn’t want to see the photos of the pups with the Omega parents, and wonder what his might have looked like, how happy Cas would be with their son in his arms. He half regrets it, half knows it was the right choice not to mate before the army, because how awful it must be to have a pup you don’t even really know yourself. How can they stand it, being so far away from their kids?

He hears the shots and he feels something hit him in the side of the ribs. He falls to the ground but doesn't feel the pain right away. He finds cover with the rest of his comrades, the ones that haven’t died. Stained family pictures are now abandoned in a pool of blood along with the soldiers who had been sharing stories of their families, of their Omegas waiting at home, just minutes ago. The doctor takes a quick look at him and says he’s lucky, his vest stopped the bullet from piercing any flesh. Dean doesn’t feel lucky as he fights his way through the bullets, killing people he doesn’t know for reasons he’s not too sure about. It haunts him every night for months on end until he can barely sleep anymore. He can’t remember what it’s like to be happy anymore,  _ really  _ happy and not just momentarily. When he feels the panic attacks threatening to take over, he just closes his eyes and thinks of Cas, counting down the days to see him.

547 days.

Then one day it’s 499 days, he’s happy the countdown now starts with 4 and not 5 anymore.

Then 399

299.

199.

When the numbers have only two digits, Dean begins to feel certain that he  _ will _ , after all, make it through. He stops being so emotionally numb to become hopeful again, he feels so excited he could almost cry.

And how he cries, when he sees Castiel for the first time again, holding him in his arms in a crushing embrace. He laughs and he cries without any shame or restraint, and he feels like he’s breathing for the first time in years. Cas, who has become somehow even more handsome these past few years, receives him with opened arms, matching his urgency as he holds Dean back for dear life and buries his face in his neck, taking a deep breath to get overwhelmed by the scent of his Alpha. They can’t take their hands off of each other all night during Dean’s welcoming dinner, and they excuse themselves extremely early because if Dean doesn’t fuck Cas soon, he’s going to lose his goddamn mind. He sees the silver ring,  _ his _ ring, in the night stand by the bed, welcoming him home like no time has passed at all, so that night when Castiel exposes his neck to him invitingly, he bites down and marks his Omega as they mate.

“I must admit, I always feared you'd find someone else, Cas,” Dean confesses, trailing circles on the back on his mate. “I’m so happy you didn't.”

“I promised I would wait, didn't I?”

“Yeah, but 5 years is a long time.”

“Not that much compared to how long we’ve been together.”

“We were together for a little over 4 years, Cas.”

“You may count since our first kiss, but I knew since I was 5 that I was in love with you and that we would end up together.”

Dean feels something tug at his heart. He's so happy he has the strange urgency to cry. There's this awful fear in the back of his mind that this isn't real, it’s just a dream and he's still somewhere in the desert, serving time, but he buries it in a dark corner and tells himself that it's okay to be happy again, that's how life with Cas always was like. He chuckles, burying his face in Castiel’s neck, kissing him once. “Since you were 5, huh?”

“Yeah. I remember it was your birthday, and my mum bought you a cake. You had your eyes closed, about to blow on the candles, thinking of some wish you wanted to make.” Cas smiles, remembering exactly what Dean had looked like. What little memories he has of the years he could see, he’s kept them close to his heart. “You had a ridiculous party hat on,” he chuckles, “but you looked beautiful, really excited about the cake, and I looked at you and I just knew- I knew I was in love with you.”

Dean’s mouth is on his almost instantly, because he needs to say something but he can’t talk through the lump in his throat. They kiss and they make love again, and then they kiss some more and melt into the sheets, together at last.

Dean starts working right away in Bobby’s shop. He gets offered jobs in fancy industries but he turns them down. He doesn’t want fancy, he doesn’t want to move or to have loads of cash, he is fine where he is, living a simple life near the people he loves. They rent a place together and set up a nursery for the pup that is on the way. The big belly and the pup’s kicks aren’t the only things keeping Cas awake at night sometimes, but also Dean’s jerks during his constant nightmares. His mate convinces him to go to therapy after a while but it takes him years, really, to be able to somewhat let go of those 5 awful years. They’re always present, in the back of his mind, and he considers himself lucky when he goes a full day without remembering that pool of blood with pictures of small pups and the bodies of their parents on the dirty ground. He doesn’t forget and he doesn’t move on, he merely learns to live with it.

Even the day his pup is born, he can't help thinking about it, feeling grateful he got to live through it and be there in the hospital with Cas and his boy. He holds him in his arms, amazed by the little bundle in his arms. His pup yawns like he’s tired, like he hasn’t been napping for months already. Dean closes his eyes, tears gathering in his eyelashes, and takes in the scent of their boy. He takes a sit on the edge of the bed and lower the pup so Castiel can breathe in his scent too.

“He is beautiful, Cas,” Dean tells him. “Ten little fingers, and 9 little toes.”

“ _ What _ ?” Cas’ head shoots up alarmingly.

“I’m kidding,” Dean laughs. “It’s a perfect, healthy boy.”

Cas would slap the back of his head but the man has their newborn pup in their arms and Castiel wouldn't dare. He reaches for the baby, feeling the little bump in Dean’s arms, and his mate helps him hold their son in his arms. They admire him for just a couple of minutes before a nurse is approaching them with the intention of taking him away. Dean instinctively and very accidentally growls at her, snapping his head around look give her a murderous look. She yelps and backs away with her hands raised. Dean blushes and pushes his inner Alpha back into the cage.

“I’m so sorry,” Dean quickly apologises, forcing himself to stand up and step away from his son. The nurse eyes him with a little fear as she steps forwards again. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to…”

“We just need to give him a full check,” she explains as she slowly approaches the bed again.

“Of course, sure,” Dean nods. He grabs the frame of the hospital bed to keep himself in place and from running after the nurse and his pup.

Cas gently pats his hand. “He’ll be right back, Alpha,” he grins gently, but he also feels a little unsettled after losing the weight of his son in his arms. “Be patient, you’ll get tired of carrying him around when we get home.”

“I don’t think I could ever get tired of pups.”

“Plural, huh?”

Dean looks down to see his mate smiling in his direction. He leans down to kiss him.

“Yeah, mating with you is too much fun to do it just once, wouldn’t you say?”

Cas blushes but oh boy, does he agree…

The nurse is back in no time with their pup and Dean lays in bed with Cas while he holds their sleepy son.

“You know, I almost died once.”

“ _ What? _ ” Cas snaps his head around so fast he almost hurts his neck. “What are you talking about?”

Dean has never told him about that day before. He never says much, not to Cas, not about his nightmares.

“We were ambushed and… there was this group of soldiers… my friends… They were sharing photos of their pups and I- I was kind of jealous,” Dean laughs to hide when his voice almost breaks, “cause I wanted that to be me. I wanted to have said yes to you, to know I gave you a pup before- in case I died. It was selfish but I wanted you to have me, a part of me, always, so you wouldn't forget me.”

Cas looks for Dean’s hand and holds it tightly.

“I couldn't join them, I couldn't look at the photos of their pups and wonder if you'd wait for me to have them or not... Where I was standing, it was more complicated to shoot me, you know? I got shot but the angle was wrong, I wasn't hurt… not badly at least, just bruises but they-”

He stops abruptly, squeezing Cas’ hand. He takes a deep breath to calm himself. The scents of Castiel and their pup engulfs him and it helps him settle down. He is back home, he is safe, he has everything he always wanted.

“If I would have said yes to you, I would be dead too.”

Cas kisses his forehead.

“I’m glad you didn't, then,” he replies. “But you're an idiot if you ever thought I would forget you.”

Dean grins through his tears. “Well, I’ve never been the smart one.”

Castiel’s mom barely lets anyone else hold her grandson when the family gets together for lunch on Sundays. She feeds the pup, then changes his diaper, plays with him, and then rocks him to sleep. The baby is heavy and growing fast but she insists in holding him for as long as possible.

“He's not going to fade away if you let Sam hold him for an hour, mom,” Cas tells her after finally convincing her of letting the uncle hold the pup while the Novaks wash the dishes.

“I know, but you've no idea, love, how quickly they grow… I remember like it was yesterday when you and Dean were just pups too,” she sighs as she works to quickly dry whatever Castiel hands him, never taking her eyes off of the pup as she stares at the family through the window. They’re gathered outside in the garden, relaxing after a heavy lunch, all their family members and their friends. 

“And yet I recall you running around the house after us all the time scolding us because, and I quote, ‘you kids are a hurricane!’”

His mom laughs. “But you were so sweet too, both of you. Oh, I remember the day Dean told me he was in love with you. My heart almost couldn't take so much cuteness.”

“What? When was that?”

“He was 6, almost 7. You were sick in the hospital then, do you remember?”

Cas nods silently. He had spent entire months in the hospital, in pain, fighting for his life. The last visual memories that were still intact in his brain were attached to a lot of pain.

“Dean went to see you every single day. He came home after school and demanded I took him to see you,” she tells Cas. He listens so carefully he doesn't realise he's holding his breath. “One day when we were coming back, he burst into tears and asked me if you were going to die. He told me he loved you and that he didn't want to lose you. Oh, Cas, you should have seen him. It broke my heart.”

His insides twist at the idea of a little Dean crying like that for him.

“But you pulled through,” she continues, stroking her son’s cheek, “and it all turned out just fine. I must say, I was surprised how long it took the two of you to  get together, officially I mean.”

He hears her chuckle. Then all the way from the garden comes the thunderous laughter of his Alpha. It makes him smile.

“We weren’t in a hurry,” he replies, smiling to himself, “we knew we had forever.”


	3. Chapter 2-B

There’s a very real, very uncomfortable lump in his throat and tears (of joy, of sadness, who knows?) in his eyes. Dean looks down at the rings. They’re simple like their story is, they fit them. There’s no grand gesture, no embarrassing public display of affection, it’s just the two of them, sitting together in what is most likely Dean’s favorite place in the world. Of all the ways a proposal could have gone down, this is probably the perfect way.

And yet he can’t bring himself to be entirely happy about it.

“Cas…” He looks down at the rings with a longing that tears him apart. Cas _feels_ his hesitation lingering in the tense air between them.

With a swift movement of his hand and fingers, he's slided the ring to fall perfectly in Dean’s finger. It's the right size, perfect for him.

“Dean, please,” Cas urges him, sliding his own ring on. He climbs to Dean’s lap and cups his face in his hands. “Say yes, please. I don't want to wait another 5 years. I know I want you, and I want you now.”

“And you think that I don't?” Dean huffs a laugh but there’s nothing funny about the look in his face. He holds Cas close, resting his forehead against the other’s. Oh, how he's going to miss the weight of Castiel on top of him...

“Then say yes!” his partner insists. He rocks his hips once, then twice, creating sweet friction between them. Dean’s body can't help but react quickly to it. “I want to mate with you. I know it's less than ideal, but fuck, Dean, life isn't this perfect plan you can just follow.”

Dean fights not to lose himself to his instincts, but he's already hard and very much tempted to just follow Castiel’s wishes. He wants this so bad too, to mark that beautiful pristine neck so that no one will be able to claim his best friend, his lovely Omega, while he is away… but it's selfish, he knows it, so he digs his fingers in Cas’ hips, trying to stop him.

“Cas,” he breathes, swallowing hard, “think about what you're saying… 5 years is a long time.”

Cas lowers his head to kiss his neck, all the way continuing to roll his hips, grinding his ass against his Alpha’s crotch. “I won't change my mind about you, not ever.”

“You know the risks, you know… I might not come back…”

“Yes, you will. You will, you have to because I will be here waiting with our pup.” Cas kisses his neck with more persistence, finally eliciting a moan from Dean. “Be my Alpha. Say yes. Just say yes, Dean.”

Cas raises himself and aligns his entrance with Dean’s cock. He takes him in easily, still slick from doing it not more than 20 minutes ago. Dean moans loudly, throwing his head back and thrusting up to meet the movements of his mate. Cas picks up a determined, merciless pace.

Dean can't help it when his mouth goes to Castiel’s neck. He's nipping at it, trying to hold back with the last bits of restraints left in him, but he knows soon he will lose control and his Alpha instincts will kick in. He's been fighting them for years, every time he has sex with Cas and doesn't claim him it's a victory. But tonight it seems like he's finally about to lose this battle. “Yes,” he growls into Castiel’s neck. “Don't stop. Yes, yes.”

“Yes?” Cas smiles. He looks blissfully aroused himself, hard even without Dean needing to touch him. That cocky smile of his combined with his ragged breathing does it for Dean.

“Yes,” he repeats one last time, voice deep with want, before he bites hard on Castiel’s neck. He has the senses to cover his mate’s mouth so the neighbours (and his mother!) won’t hear him cry out, and he keeps thrusting up to meet Cas as both of them gets lost in pleasure.

There’s no time for anyone to get surprised about the mark in Castiel’s neck because they announce they’re getting married the following day, and not even a week later the papers are signed and it’s official, they’re as mated as people can be. Cas’  heat comes and they make the most of it, doing it several times a day to up their chances of having a pup, but Dean won’t be there with Castiel to find out because soon enough he’s leaving.

Cas had done a good job keeping his sorrow inwards so far, but listening Dean say goodbye to their family and friends is too much, and he finally breaks. He sheds silent tears as his mother, Sam, Jess, Bobby and John say their goodbyes to him. They’re at the bus station and Dean’s bus is leaving in minutes. A hand is suddenly in his cheek, wiping away his tear with a thumb.

“I’ll come back, Cas,” he vows.

“You’d better,” he responds, fisting the front of Dean’s shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. Their _last_ kiss, who knows for how long.

“Write as soon as you’ve news,” Dean whispers into his ear. He feels extremely selfish wishing to have gotten his mate pregnant, because he won’t be there to help raise his child and because, if he’s being entirely honest with himself, a part of him would feel more confident that Castiel wouldn’t dare look for another mate if they already had a child together. He hates himself for even thinking like this, but the thought of Cas with another person also makes him feel sick. He wouldn’t even blame Castiel for it, five years is a long time, and this Omega is a great catch; a just graduated professor with the looks of an Alpha and a lovely personality.

 _Don’t be such an asshole, you’re married, he’ll wait for you, he promised,_ Dean tells himself, but the reality he is terrified of the long, lonely road ahead.

“I will,” Cas whispers back, trying to smile for the sake of his Alpha.

“Dean,” Sam calls him softly, patting his shoulder, “the bus driver is waving at you.”

Dean’s lips are on Castiel’s again while he grabs the Omega’s hand and pulls it away from his shirt.

“I love you, Cas,” he whispers.

He turns and walks away, forcefully pulling his hand away when Castiel just won’t let it go. He doesn’t turn around to see him standing there, hand still extended in his direction, he can’t, it would break his heart.

People always say ‘it gets better with time'. Dean just wants to punch those people in their stupid faces, nothing about his situation gets better with time, only worse. Then he pities them a little, thinking maybe they’ve never been in love like this. Every day, every _minute_ that he is away from Castiel, it’s agony, but he wouldn’t have it any other way; if he has to choose between missing Cas so much it hurt or never having met him at all, he would choose Cas every goddamn time, no doubt at all. The first year should be the easiest, because they’re training in their homeland, and then they’ll train for another year in the middle of who knows where, Dean’s never been good at geography. Finally, after 3 years of being a proper soldier out there in combat, probably killing people and watching his Alpha comrades get killed too, he’ll be free to quit the army if he wishes. Even though he’s not in any real danger now, even though this should be the easiest part of their training, Dean has to fight everyday to avoid coming undone psychologically. There’s only a short period of time during which he feels happy again and it’s when he finally gets the news from Cas announcing the potential date of birth of their pup. His superior congratulates Dean, thanks him for for the service he’s doing to his country, meaning having pups before going to war and potentially dying, and tells him he will have a week off when the pup is born to fly and see his family. A week, only a week he will have to meet his child before he’s away for another 4 years.

That’s when it hits him, the huge mistake he’s made; his son or daughter won’t even know him. He will miss literally the first everything; first steps, first words, first birthday… He will be a stranger, no more familiar than a damn neighbour. What if that ruins their bond forever? What if he misses something important? What if something happens and he’s not there to protect his pup? Or Cas; he won’t be there to support him through his pregnancy at all either. His grief only starts to escalate from there. Even though he rather surprisingly quickly forms a bond with some other soldiers, he can’t deny a part of his heart that breaks everyday when he wakes up knowing he’s not going to see Cas, or his brother, or Bobby, or anyone he loves, or hear their voices, their laughter, nothing. He misses them so much it physically pains him, his chest feels tight sometimes. He uses that pain to go on, he runs faster to channel his rage, he punches harder to let the grief out somehow, and he works as hard as possible to be as tired as he can be, so that at night he won’t lay watching the ceiling for hours, thinking of blue eyes, soft kisses, rough sex.

His son is born a week before of schedule and he gets sent home. By the time he gets there, Cas is back home with the pup, living with his mother like they’ve arranged, until Dean comes back for good after serving his time. They’ve a short week together, so Dean barely ever lets his son out of his reach. He spends hours laying next to Castiel with the newborn laying on top of him, watching him, breathing in his scent and trying to memorize it. He has this crazy dream in which he jumps into Baby with his family on the back and just runs off to live somewhere in the woods. He sees the car parked outside his house and he almost goes for it, God knows he wants to so bad, but it’s not the right thing to do; he must do this, for his family, and then he’ll be able to give them a better life.

“Will you show him pictures of me?” Dean asks Castiel’s mom one night when they’re alone in the kitchen. She looks up, taken aback by the request. “Make sure- make sure he knows who I am, okay? Please?”

She almost breaks down in tears. She promises she will and then gives him a big kiss on the cheek.

When he leaves again, Dean cries the entire way to the base, holding his son’s little hat with bees that he decided to take in a last minute impulse.

Letters from his family keep him sane. When his life is reduced to endless violence and merely surviving while also trying to keep those around him alive, the only reminder that this is not all there is to life, that there is still such a thing as family dinners and lazy Sundays consumed by netflix, comes in rectangular shapes of paper with stories from his loved ones and photographs. Sam gets accepted into the best colleges (not that it surprises Dean, his Beta brother is perhaps even smarter than Castiel himself), plans on getting a job and moving with Jess. That girl is in for the long run, Dean’s sure. His brother makes a crazy effort to visit the Novaks as many weekends as he can because he is jealous of Castiel’s friends (Gabriel, Balthazar and Charlie), who visit his nephew more often than he can; Sam makes it his life mission to make sure that boy knows Sam Winchester is he _one_ true uncle and his favorite too, while he’s at it.

Bobby’s letters are short and they don’t communicate much, they’re weird rundowns of how the salvage yard is doing, comments here and there about his son definitely being a Winchester because he eats as much as one, but the soldier knows that just sending the letter means a lot from Bobby.

John doesn’t send letters but he does send a photo every now and then; apparently he’s fond of his grandson and is trying to keep his shit together so he’ll be allowed near him, or at least more together than when Sam and him were kids. There’s this one photo John sends with Dean’s pup on his lap, his tiny hands around Baby’s steering wheel and a broad smile on his face. On the back it only says _Your old man with your little man, keeping Baby ready for your return, love you son._ Dean cries for a solid 5 minutes.

Castiel’s mom sends him loving letters that always make Dean almost cry, they are full of words of support and encouragement, and she promises time and time again to take care of Cas while he’s gone. She’s Dean’s mother too, and no one can tell them otherwise. She makes sure to send pictures of his son and Castiel everytime he gets a letter from them. He watches his son grow faster than he wished he would and though he adores the pictures they also break his heart; he doesn’t _want_ pictures, what he really wants is to _be_ there and _see_ it happen, the live version.

Castiel’s letters are what he lives for. His handwriting is not very good; his mother had made him keep writing after he lost his eyesight and though he had never really bothered practising much, it is still legible. Dean is now really thankful for that because the letters carry the scent of him and he breathes it in like a junky. Cas spares no details. He tells him everything there’s to know about the pup, makes Dean feel a little more closer to them and a little less like a sperm donor. He goes on and on about his new job as a teacher as well. He teaches 8 years old and is thinking of going back to school to get his Masters Degree in Education. He tells Dean about his favorite students, about the other teachers and the staff, how some are nice, others not so much, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. Cas sends him copies of the books they read as children, and even though his friends make fun of him for reading children’s book, it gives Dean joy, it reminds him of better days, simpler days. He tries to reply with letters as long as his but there really isn’t that many news to tell; training is constant, that’s it. He does his best, though, because a secret but strong part in him fears that if he doesn’t give back as much, Castiel will forget him. That utterly terrifies him…

But Castiel’s love never seems to waver. He writes as much as possible, and while Dean is serving his time abroad, the only thing that gives him proper joy is the arrival of mail. Cas loves him, through the distance and through the years, just as much as he had promised he would, and it gives Dean hope that while some things change, while he has to witness horrors and injustice and be a pawn for them, some other things will always remain the same, like their love for each other. If that can survive, maybe Dean can too, maybe there will be a way out of the endless sorrow he feels.

He doesn’t.

The moment Castiel steps into his house and hear his mother cry while he also registers the smell of two strange Alphas inside the house, he automatically knows something is wrong. He stays very still by the door, his heart racing against his chest. He has the ridiculous idea that if he doesn’t move, time will stand still too, and nothing will happen, no bad news will be delivered. His mother sees him, petrified by the door, and she forces herself to stand up, leaving the men in uniform sitting in the living room.

“S-son-” she sobs, reaching for his hand. Cas pulls away right away. “Dean-”

“No.”

He opens the door again, ignores his mother completely, and starts counting. 6 steps from the door, across the front yard, he turns left, 12 steps more, another left, 8 steps to Dean’s front door. He reaches and feels for the door like he did all those years ago for the first time. He can _almost_ remember the touch of Dean’s hand holding his.

John jumps to his feet, surprised, when Castiel barges in without even knocking.

“Cas, what the-”

But he’s ignored too. Castiel goes straight to Dean’s room, or what used to be his room, and he looks for something, _anything_ , that might still have the scent of his Alpha. He opens the wardrobe and with shaky hands pulls at whatever he can feel; old shirts, jackets, whatever. Nothing smells like him, not anymore, not after so many years.

He doesn’t hear his mother coming into the house, talking to John. He doesn’t register the man’s footsteps. He jumps, scared, when his father in law takes him into his arms and pulls him away from the wardrobe. Cas fights at first, he doesn’t want to talk to them, he doesn’t want to hear anyone say it out loud. Then he’s over ventilating and he feels like he’s falling, he’s dizzy, he’s shattering from the inside out, but John never lets him fall.

“You won’t find him there, son, I’m sorry,” John tells him, his voice shaking.

Castiel loses track of time. He has no idea for how long he’s there, crying in John’s arm like he’s a child all over again. He can’t breathe, he can’t think, the pain is excruciating. He falls asleep at some point only to wake up with a start hours later as his mind reminds him that he’s got a son to take care of. John’s still there with him when he gets up and starts walking away without saying a word. He follows his son in law just to make sure he gets home, even though they don’t share a word. Cas almost trips on the stairs, waking his mother up. She stands there, not knowing what to say, and merely watches her son continue his way to the pup’s room. The little boy is sleeping in his bed, dreaming peacefully.

Cas takes a deep breath; it’s not Dean’s, but it’s the closest thing there is to his Alpha’s scent. He’s not even 3 and yet he’s so much like Dean already. His precious little pup is all Castiel’s got left of him now.

He finds out in the morning that Dean is, technically, still alive, but very much dead too. He lays in a hospital bed, brain dead, while the doctors wait for permission to pull the plug, let him die. Very much against the advice of his family, he flies with their son to see him one last time. His mother doesn’t think he should go, let alone take the pup, but he has to, he has to say goodbye and so does his son, so Sam offers to go with him.

A man from the military is there, watching over Dean. He’s a friend Dean had mentioned in his letters, Benny, and he was also injured during combat so he was allowed to return sooner. When Cas asks him how it happened, if Dean suffered, he says he didn’t. Benny tells him he had a smile on his face, he was showing off pictures of his mate and his pup when he got shot, and then he just fell to the ground and never woke up.

“I did what I could,” he finished in a grim tone, “but it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry.”

The doctors tell him there’s no need to hurry, he can take as long as he wants, but if he does, Cas thinks he would end up staying there forever, watching the seasons go by through the window as he sat by Dean’s hospital bed for the rest of his life, so he does it quickly.

He goes in with Sam, who is holding his nephew in his arms. He’s somewhat grateful to be blind, to be unable to see Dean like this, full of tubes and bandages around his head. He’d rather not see anything at all and remember the sound of his laugh instead.

The pup looks around confused. It takes him a moment, but then he gasps and turns around grinning at his uncle.

“Papa! It’s papa!” he says, bouncing in Sam's arms with excitement.

Sam bites the insides of his cheeks. His eyes are bloodshot. “Y-yeah, pup, it’s your papa. He’s very sick, remember what we talked about? So we have to say goodbye to him.”

The boy looks back and forward between them, confused; why would he say goodbye when he’s just met the guy? He wants to stay, he wants to get to know him.

Something about the look in his father’s face pierces through the boy and he understands all of a sudden, at some level, that something is wrong, and he grows uncharacteristically quiet.

Cas reaches, slowly, until he finds Dean’s hand. He lifts it and takes it to his nose, then takes a deep breath. Sam watches, not knowing what to do. Should he say something? To Cas or to Dean? Is there anything to say at all? Can he even speak without bursting into tears? He’s supposed to be here for moral support, but what a fool he had been to think that he had any strength left in him.

“I knew I loved you since we were 5,” Cas whispers. “I remember it was your birthday, and my mum bought you a cake. You had your eyes closed, about to blow on the candles, thinking of some wish you wanted to make. You had a ridiculous party hat on,” he chuckles, choking on tears, “but you looked beautiful, really excited about the cake, and I looked at you and I just knew- I knew I was in love with you. That’s how I’ll remember you and I will _always_ love you, Alpha, I promise.”

Fat tears roll down his cheeks and jump onto the floor. Cas walks out of the room so fast he almost runs into some furniture, but Benny stops him in time. His pup follows him with his eyes, leaning his head against Sam’s chest for comfort.

Sam is about to lose it himself.

“We, huh,” he clear his throat, sniffles twice, “we have to say goodbye now, pup, alright?”

Sam’s hands are sweaty and shaking. The pup puts his arms around the man’s neck, trying to comfort him.

“Bye bye papa,” he whispers shyly, taking one last glance in his father’s direction, waving his little hand goodbye.

“G-goodbye, Dean,” Sam chokes and walks away.

If it weren't for his pup, Castiel is sure he would have gone mad with grief. Sometimes he feels like he could just pull his hair out with his bare hands and start screaming like a madman, but he doesn’t, for the sake of his son. He takes a break from teaching, goes to therapy, starts taking antidepressants for a while. The only thing that keeps him going is his son, whose laughter is a small reminder that there are still good things left in the world; there’s still a bit of _Dean_ left in the world. Still, the pain is always present, in the back of his mind, and he considers himself lucky when he goes a full day without thinking of what he’s lost. He doesn’t forget Dean and he doesn’t move on, he merely learns to live with his misery. Maybe in the years to come, one day far into the future, he will be able to think of Dean without having a terrible urge to cry. Who knows, he’s young, maybe he might even fall in love again, though it seems unlikely; for Castiel Novak, love has always been synonym of Dean. He’s already experienced the greatest love there was, why would he ever settle for anything less?

Castiel’s mom sighs heavily; she’s tired and he can’t blame her, throwing a party and having the house full of 5 years old had been no joke, but his son’s birthday party had turned out lovely and he had had a lot of fun. That big, happy smile of his grandson’s face was worth all the work, she said.

“I can’t believe he’s already 5,” she sighs again, this time with a tone of melancholy, leaning against the counter as she watches Castiel wash the dishes. “They grow so quickly, don’t they?… I remember like it was yesterday when you were a pup too, running around the house with Dean, my two little darlings.”

There’s a small silence at the mention of Dean. There always is. It’s a brief moment Cas needs to be able to collect himself. It’s been years but that wound is still fresh.

“ _Two little darlings?_ ” he scoffs. “As I recall you ran around the house after us all the time scolding us because, and I quote, ‘you kids are a hurricane!’” he smiles faintly. It doesn’t reach his eyes.

His mom laughs. “But you were so sweet too, both of you. Oh, I remember the day Dean told me he was in love with you. My heart almost couldn't take so much cuteness.”

“What? When was that?”

“He was 6, almost 7. You were sick in the hospital then, do you remember?”

Cas nods silently. He had spent entire months in the hospital, in pain, fighting for his life. The last visual memories that were still intact in his brain were attached to a lot of pain.

“Dean went to see you every single day. He came home after school and demanded I took him to see you,” she tells Cas. He listens so carefully he doesn't realise he's holding his breath. “One day when we were coming back, he burst into tears and asked me if you were going to die. He told me he loved you and that he didn't want to lose you. Oh, Cas, you should have seen him. It broke my heart.”

His insides twist at the idea of a little Dean crying like that for him. A wave of mixed emotions run wildly through him. A part of him is happy to know that, he knows this is a sweet story and that he should treasure it, but he can’t help feeling immensely sad as well.

“But you pulled through,” she continues, stroking her son’s cheek, “and it all turned out just fine. I must say, I was surprised how long it took the two of you to  get together, officially I mean.”

Cas hates himself now, for having been so naive, and such a coward too. He’d lost entire years worth of kisses with his mate, all because he was always too fucking slow to act.

“We weren’t in a hurry,” he replies, his voice barely audible, “we thought we had forever.”


End file.
